I’m Letting What Other People Think Get To Me.

 

I’m feeling a little bit invalidated today. Well, not just today per se, but over the last fortnight or so. It hasn’t been easy, moving over to Australia just so that I can be with Kingy, and there are people here that just simple don’t get that.

To them, I do a lot of things out of the ordinary. I’m weird. I like weird things. Some even reckon that I’m doing what I can to change Kingy to be something that fits in my world (which is really silly, I like to think, because if I didn’t love him for who he is I wouldn’t bother coming here until he became someone I did love). And they just don’t see the immense amount of things I have give up just to be with him.

1. Friends. Yes, I know, there’s MSN and Facebook and stuff. But it’s not the same as going out with them. And I’m pretty rubbish to chat with when I’m online, but in person, you’ll have a fun time trying to get me to shut up. I hardly know anyone here, and pretty much 97% of the people I do know are not of my same age group. And the friends here, they’re good and all, but it’s not the same as the friends I had grown up with, gotten in trouble in school together, shared secrets with etc. It’s just not the same.

2. Food. There’s just so much that they don’t have here. And constantly eating fast food is not something I enjoy. In Singapore, I used to have pizza maybe two or three times a year, not every week. Me wanting to eat Asian stuff when I’m here is because I very rarely eat Western food in my entire twenty two years in Singapore. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy Western cuisine, I just don’t enjoy fast food (except on occasion).

3. Family. I left behind a mother that is very much emotionally dependant on me (hopefully less so now so that she can be her own person, yes, mom I know you’re reading this and I do hope that you’ve started to become your own person more that I’m not around for you to lean on as much) just so that I can be with Kingy.

4. Yuki. I miss my dog so terribly every day. She’s like a little sister to me and every time I see a dog over here I get so excited just cause it reminds me of her and all her stupidity and cuteness.

5. Career. I left a career that was slowly becoming more concrete and stable to the land of the unknown and no income for the amount of time it takes for me to get my residency and get a job here. That’s the financial freedom I had to give up because being dependant on someone else’s income is really shitting me to tears every single time I see something that I want, or need.

So yes, I pretty much left behind the life I have lived for the past twenty two odd years in Singapore just so I can be with this man that I love. I’ve come to this place, to live in a part of the city where Asian things are not common (I can’t go the supermarket and buy rock sugar, and the nearest Asian grocer is a half an hour drive away, for example), and there are just people out there that don’t get that.

Can you imagine you doing that?

I’m weird, and I’m strange to a lot of the people I meet here. And I’m doing the best I can do be comfortable living here without going all ching chong on everyone.

The truly important people know all of this, and I’m grateful and thankful for that. Why am I letting what only a small handful of people think affect me this badly? I guess because some of them I tend to think are important people too. Obviously, some are just not, so this isn’t really about them. It’s about the people who Kingy are close to, who are important to him, and therefore by proxy important to me, too.

I guess, I just have to let it all go. Knowing in my heart that I know what I gave up, Kingy knows what I gave up, that should be all that matters. Letting other people impress their judgement on me when they don’t even realise all of the above mentioned is judging them, and that’s not who I want to be.

They don’t know me, they don’t know my story, and therefore whatever opinion they have of me is based on either what the fabricate in their minds, or based on their opinions on people that are not like them.

I guess I can’t fault them for that.

It does, however, feel a lot better getting that out of my system. So if you’ve made it this far down the post, thank you for reading, and thank you for understanding.

Sending out love to everyone of you,
Lixximajig

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My Inability to Distinguish Food that is Spoilt

Let me tell you a story.

There I was, in my home, all happy and chirpy and being my usual self. Minding my own business. And I was a feeling a little bit hungry, right? So off I go to raid the refrigerator. Aha! I found myself a little small cup of yoghurt. Me, being me, happily went to grab a teaspoon and started gobbling down the yoghurt. Well, as much gobbling as you could do with a teaspoon anyway.

So there I was, happily nomming away, and I was thinking to myself, “Wow, this is really nice champagne flavoured yoghurt, with the bubbly sensation and everything!”

Lo and behold, I found out, quite to my dismay, that that was the taste of very, VERY, expired yoghurt.

So I have this talent of being able to wolf down food without the ability to distinguish if they have passed their best before dates. Luckily, now with the internet, I can check up on silly little things like, “How long can I keep _______ in the fridge?”, and the most recent thing that I checked was apples.

Got to love Yahoo! Answers, don’t you?

Well, that’s my story for today, have a little laugh if you would. Cheers! Lixxie xx

Fear and Love.

“What is our motivation behind everything? Fear or love? Fear contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms, Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear wraps our bodies in clothing; love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have; love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close. Love holds dear. Fear grasps. Love lets go. Fear rankles. Love Soothes. Fear attacks. Love amends. Every human thought or deed is based on either or. You have no other choice because there is nothing else to choose.” ~Conversations with God, book 1

Do you love your work, or do you fear poverty? Do you love your partner, or fear being alone? Do you cling on to the people around you in love, or in fear? What is your motivation behind your actions, your thoughts?

I’m glad to say that majority of my actions are done out of love, even if they don’t seem like it to some people. There are areas of fear that I have to work on turning into love, I must admit, but I’m only human! If you have anything to share, please do in the comments.

Being Fully Present

I think the one thing I have learnt, and that life is screaming out to be over the past fortnight or so, is that every single moment of your life is precious. It’s special. Savour it. Enjoy it. Revel in it. Be fully present in every one of those moments.

It’s something I’ve been having trouble with a lot. I’m easily distracted. The slightest noise or movement catches my attention and suddenly I’m lost. Even just between typing the last sentence and this one, I’ve browsed a few websites, checked my social media updates, and walked around the room.

I’m a self proclaimed multi-tasker, however what I’ve learnt over the past week – it might not be such a good thing after all. I guess that is why my friends always tell me that I’m much better to talk to in person, rather than online, because when I’m having a conversation with someone in person, I’m giving them my full attention, and I’m being 100% present with them.

Savouring the moments I have with them.

I’ve been doing little sessions with myself where I tune out that voice in my head. You know, the little voice that goes on and on and on all the time? Mine always gives me a mental to-do list. Groceries I need to buy, when I can do laundry, vacuuming, reminders to pay bills and so on. It hasn’t been easy, and I do think that I am getting better at it. It’s helping me fall asleep a lot faster with a lot more peace of mind. I wake up feeling more refreshed.

I’ve be practicing with what I consume as well. Sipping tea slowly, feeling it in my mouth before I swallow. Slowly munching on the food, letting each bite fill my mouth with flavour before taking the next mouthful. Feeling the cold rush of water hit my tongue.

‘Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.’ ~Thich Nhat Hahn

Perhaps it is like a muscle that needs to be trained. And with consistent practice, I will be able to be fully present in each and every moment.

What does Life mean to YOU?

How is everyone today? I just came back from a jog and even though it wasn’t the best run I’ve done I’m still pretty proud of myself because I had only just fell asleep before my alarm rang and I so did not want to get out of bed. The funny thing is what got me out of bed was actually the Facebook game ‘Trainstation’. I sent my trains to come back at around 5am – 6am and if I didn’t get up to send them off, they’ll be sitting idle for another six or so hours!

I think it’s interesting that a whole lot of things I’m being exposed to when I’m surfing on the Internet are about dying, and what it means to be alive.

What do you guys think it means to be alive? There are so much struggles we go through each and every day of our lives, and a lot of the time we tend to ignore the abundance of good present in it and in ourselves.

I think I spent a good amount of my life being afraid of death. It’s scary. It’s an unknown. What happens after our physical body dies? Where does my soul go? Have I done enough good in the world to let me go to heaven? What will I regret the most when I die?

And then I read a quote that said:

“Life was such and adventure, I’m sure death will be an even bigger one.”

It was then that death suddenly didn’t become so scary anymore. It’s not as though I want to quicken the process, though I do have some bad habits that are doing so, but we will come to that later. I have just accepted that it will inadvertently happen one day, and I just have to do my best to live to the best of my ability.

Now I’m not saying I do that very well, I’m getting there.

Like I said earlier, there are some habits that are killing me, slowly, such as my non-exercising tendencies. Which is why I’m changing that now. A habit begins by taking action over and over again over a set period of time, and so I’ve started jogging in the mornings, every Wednesday and Friday, and will increase it to more times a week once I’m able to comfortably run a few kilometers. I’ve always failed in the past because I didn’t cultivate it long enough to become a habit, but I’m definitely going to succeed this time round. With a little help and encouragement from you guys of course! And I’ve enrolled Nathan to bully me out of bed in the mornings.

Are we simply wasting out lives away?

Do you find that you create a lot of drama and struggle in your life? I know I did. I used to victimize myself all the time. “Oh they didn’t do that”, “It’s not any of my business”, “You just don’t understand me”, and “I don’t feel appreciated enough”. I knew the theory that people can’t control your emotions for you, only you can do that, but I never practiced it. I’ve heard it many times, from many sources. And then I read this quote:

“What do you want to be? Happy? Confident? Strong? Brilliant? The truth is, you can make yourself anything and have a lot of fun doing it. But it’s up to you to make it happen. You’re in charge. You are entirely up to you. Make your body. Make your life.”

It’s a beautiful quote, isn’t it? I like being happy. So I choose to be happy. Sure, I’ll slip up here and there and be angry and sad, I’m only human. But for the most part, I choose to be happy. I’m lucky, I have food on the table, a bed to sleep in, a computer to use, I can buy the things I want. I don’t have to run for my life, or starve. So I have a lot going for me. Why should I be anything other than happy?

So what is the point to life? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll know when I get to the end of it, but I’ll just make the best of it in the small ways I know how. It is a privilege to be alive, and I’ll cherish that.

I’ve stopped, for now.

One of my biggest struggles since I’ve come to Australia, is to learn to just stop. Working as a wedding photographer and sidelining as a photographer’s assistant, it was always going for shoots, editing images, meeting clients. It was always go-go-go. I’m sure I’m not the most hardworking photographer out there, there’s always going to be someone more hardworking than me, but I was moving at a pace that I was comfortable in, that kept me busy.

And then I came here. And just… stopped.

It was really difficult at first. I came from a country where everyone is always working and all my friends had busy lives and our jobs kept us to wee hours of the morning, to just coming here and basically do nothing.

Now, however, I find it strangely refreshing.

It has led me to find out what I want, where I want to go and who I want to be. There are no expectations here. No one expects me to be any certain way. Trust me when I say it wasn’t easy getting to the point of being comfortable not working. I have no income, and sometimes I just sit blankly in my chair thinking to myself that I’m bored, I have nothing to do, which can go on for a while. And I’ve come to terms with it.

I’ve started reading again – currently I’m halfway through ‘QBQ!’ by John G, Miller. I’ve started to be a little more adventurous in the kitchen, realizing that some of the things I think I can’t do, I actually can. I’m slowly learning how to do housework.

Eventually, I’ll be working again. I’ll be busy, running errands, going places, and I’m going to miss having downtime. So right now, I’ll savor it while I still can.

I’ve been SLACK.

Okay, I know, it’s been a couple of months since my last post. I’ve been slack, yes I have, to the extent I could not remember what was username and password was. And I think it’s time for me to revive this blog a little, even though I’ve been keeping in touch with most of my friends through Facebook (and I’ve recently revived my twitter account as well). I wish there was some easy way to post on this blog, you know? Like how I can upload wall photos on Facebook via the iPhone, there should be some way to just upload a quick post with one or two pictures. And don’t tell me to download the WordPress app, it crashes every time I open it.

So, what has happened since my last post and now? Uhm, nothing massively different, I guess. The weather has gotten a heap colder, and there was one week where the temperature outside was 1 degree Celsius. I made Nathan buy me a heater so I wouldn’t freeze to death. It’s a little strange having the days so short now, as they get in winter. It starts to get dark around five in the evening and by six it’s pretty pitch black. I do have to say that my night vision is getting a whole lot better as well. I can walk outside and actually see the concrete slabs I’m walking on, as opposed to tripping over in the dark. The street lamps here aren’t exactly very bright, and there tend to be rather few of them.

My birthday happened as well, and I did consider blogging again then, and I got slack again. It wasn’t very eventful. I woke up, went for a jog, which is something I’m starting up again, since you know, I’ve kind of been really slack. That seems to be the theme of this blog today, doesn’t it? Oh well. I surfed the net for a little. Badgered Nathan to buy me muffins. Ate. Watched TV. Thought about cleaning the toilet because it’s pretty rank right now but didn’t because – you guessed it! I was slack. I think that pretty much summed up my whole day. What made me the happiest was that Nathan came home an hour early from his shift and I managed to spend the last half an hour of my birthday with him. ^__^

He, such a dear, also organised a little family gathering with his family for me. It was really nice to spend some time with Michael, Seg, BJ, John, Ben and Nan. I got a couple of cookbooks for my birthday! I think they are trying to tell me something, tee hee! I’m looking forward to spending more time with his family, they are all such wonderful people.

I’ve also started attending a course and it’s been really helping me in terms of my personal development! It’s a life coaching and mentoring course, and it has helped me open up a little bit to all my issues that I have. I’ve now noticed them, the next step is to work on them, and that is still a work in progress. I might post more on the course in future posts, when I’m in a proper state of mind.

Also, within the last couple of days, my housemates have gotten themselves a little bunny and guinea pig! They are so cute. I’ve never had either of them myself, and my close friends that I hang out with at their houses don’t have either as well (Mut – by the time you got your guinea pigs you were too far away for me to visit often). Now all we need is a dog, a cat, a horse and we’re set. Maybe a llama while we’re at it.

In other news: My iMac died and I’ve been living off Nathan’s laptop. And it got fixed today. Squee2 LIVES! I’m so happy with Applecare, they’ve been a wonderful help in all of this. It’s currently installing the operating system and applications for it. The silly thing is when it started to die I was panicking about it so much that I forgot to tell Apple that my LCD screen was fried as well, probably because the power supply was toasted. Now I’ll have to go ring them up again about it. I’ll probably do it some time or other after my visit to Singapore.

I’ve really been wanting to start up a little shop selling photography prints, however I find the quality of my work at the moment not up to standard just quite yet. It’s in the works, I promise. The moment I have enough variation of prints to do so, I will.

That’s all the update I have for now, I’ll definitely be posting more soon. Promise! Promise!

xx Lixximajig